Hot Tar Roofer, Cement Worker, Cab Driver, and even my personal favorite; Assistant Crack Whore, are all some of the worst jobs in America, but what job is the hardest? What job is out there that is so hard, it's almost completely impossible to accomplish? What job is out there that can't be done, no matter how hard you worked, no matter how hard you tried?Well, I've been thinking about it and I've come up with the one job that I think Conservatives and Liberals, Moderates and Independents can all agree is the hardest job in America. This is a job so hard, you can pretty much count on not keeping it for very long. It's a job that is littered with the bodies of those that came before you. A job that almost guarantees that you'll fail no matter what you do. Oh, they'll thank you for your service on the way out, but you can bet under their breath they'll be saying how you failed, how you couldn't do the job you were hired for; to defend the President's policies no matter how insane. That job is White House Press Secretary.
The position of White House Press Secretary is presently held by Tony Snow, and as if the job wouldn't be hard enough no matter who you had as a President, poor Tony Snow gets to be an apologist for none other than George W. Bush. Now, to make matters worse for Tony, he also has to draw a happy face on the worst foreign policy disaster of recent times; The Iraq War. I'm sure everyone here would agree, that's one tough job, but it gets even worse for Mr. Snow. His boss can't seem to put a coherent sentence together explaining why we need to even be in Iraq or why it's important to not leave. If fact, he can't seem to put together a coherent sentence at all. Instead he just keeps repeating the same mono-symbolic statements over and over. Twenty speeches later I still have yet to see him explain the importance of fighting terrorism in a way that would take Tony Blair or Rudy Giuliani five minutes. And yet, immediately after a Bush speech, here comes Press Secretary Tony Snow, looking a little like that Indian from Go-Go Gophers, to do his "Him say..." explanation.
And as if that isn't enough stress for poor Tony, he has to fight Cancer while doing it.
Now, all Presidential Press Secretaries have had it tough. Jimmy Carter's press secretary, Jodie Powell, for example, had to explain to the American people why President Carter had seen fit to attack a poor defenseless rabbit with an oar while on a fishing trip. Reagan's Press Secretary had to defend Iran-Contra, Nixon's had Watergate and Bill Clinton's four different Press Secretaries had to defend a plethora of problems ranging from missing FBI files to sexual liaisons. One thing that is for sure, White House Press Secretaries don't last long. In fact, since Jody Powell left with Jimmy Carter in 1981 there have been 11 White House Press Secretaries for only four Presidents. And to top it off, the job can even be dangerous. In 1989, Ron Reagan's Press Secretary, James Brady, took a bullet to the head during an assassination attempt.
Now, before you try to tell me that it can't be all that tough a job, think about this one. Scott McClellan, Tony's predecessor, got fired shortly after Vice -President Cheney shot his hunting partner. Apparently Scott just didn't put a positive enough spin on it. Gee Scott, he did shoot a lawyer, you couldn't spin that positive?
But, like the magician that Tony Snow has to become, he has one little secret weapon. Neo-babe Dana Perino. All good magicians know the purpose of the pretty assistant is to distract your eyes so you don't see slight-of-hand and Dana fits that bill. If every things going south, out comes Dana and the mostly male press corps forgets what they were going to ask. Now if they can only find a beautiful lesbian to distract Helen Thomas.
So Tony, I just wanted to let you know, 'Ol H.C. has your back. I know that in the dark of the night, as you lay in your bed trying to think up new ways to excuse G.W.'s missteps, you ponder back to your earlier days and think, "I should have been a Hot Tar Roofer, or a Taxi Driver, or even an Assistant Crack Whore. At least those jobs can be done." H.C.
10 comments:
Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I agree that Tony has a job that's impossible no matter how you slice it. People are gonna hate you and see through your lies on a daily basis. Another point that you failed to mention was the emergence of the multitude of 24/7 news networks to dissect every little thing as well as shows like Daily Show and Colbert report that can spin Tony's comments so far out of control simply because they're comedy and not real news. Both of those shows have turned Tony Snow into their personal whipping boy, usually dedicated more of the show at him than even the President and Vice President as of late. I'd say other than professional wrestling, white house press secretary would be the highest stress job. Maybe if Chris Benoit was in Tony Snows' shoes he wouldn't have snapped the way he did. If I were the next president I would hire the greatest Tobacco lobbyist in the USA to be my spin doctor. The Iraq war death toll pales in comparison with Big Tobacco and that still seems to be a steady enough business.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I agree that Tony has a job that's impossible no matter how you slice it. People are gonna hate you and see through your lies on a daily basis. Another point that you failed to mention was the emergence of the multitude of 24/7 news networks to dissect every little thing as well as shows like Daily Show and Colbert report that can spin Tony's comments so far out of control simply because they're comedy and not real news. Both of those shows have turned Tony Snow into their personal whipping boy, usually dedicated more of the show at him than even the President and Vice President as of late. I'd say other than professional wrestling, white house press secretary would be the highest stress job. Maybe if Chris Benoit was in Tony Snows' shoes he wouldn't have snapped the way he did. If I were the next president I would hire the greatest Tobacco lobbyist in the USA to be my spin doctor. The Iraq war death toll pales in comparison with Big Tobacco and that still seems to be a steady enough business.
Feel free to delete one of those. It's not letting me because my javascript is being gay.
Normally, I'd agree that the Press Secretarial position is not something to be desired. But Tony Snow's got it MADE!
He's working in an era when his party is a political juggernaut who can f*** up time and time again without repercussion. Even though I can't imagine how difficult it would be defend Dubya, Tony's "...because the President said so..." responses to everything seem to suffice well enough. I mean, the only people who REALLY criticize him are pundits, bloggers, and satirists. Plus, I'm sure that Snow will be well rewarded for his semi-attempts at taking bullets for the White House.
Defending Bush in 2007 has far many more benefits than it has risks.
Hey Tabor,
I simply feel that defending Bush has got to be a real tough job. I like your thought of getting a tobacco lobbyist for a press secretary, them guys can defend anything. Thanks for your thoughts Tabor!
Hey Dre,
You said,"He's working in an era when his party is a political juggernaut who can f*** up time and time again without repercussion." I don't know if I can agree with the "no repercussions" part. Scott McClellan lost his job along with Tennet, Rumsfeld, and General Peter Pace to mention just a few. The Abramoff scandal caused a few Reps. to lose their jobs too, like Senator Rick Santora, who was the favorite Senator of lobbyists. It strikes me as odd that Rick lost his job for doing lobbyist bidding but the number two most lobbied Senator, Hillary Clinton, not only is not punished, but rewarded with her parties' nomination. (O.K., not yet, but it almost certainly will be hers.) Actually, If anyone's getting a free pass it's the Democrats. When will Granholm have to answer for the pitiful situation of our state? NO one has had to answer for that at all, not one person fired. I'm a little suprised Dre, I thought you of all people would sympathize with anyone who had to defend Bush's disasters as part of their job. However, I agree with your analysis of how Tony is being treated by the media. He does seem to get a little better play since he's one of their own. Sorry it took so long to answer back, I was on vacation.
Hey H.C.
This is most disturbing. I cannot support your view about these soulless mouthpieces for the crooks who "run" our country. They are polished liars. You have drank the Koolaid. Please go to detox immediately. I don't know how they got to you maybe they wore you down. They are after all very skilled at abusing our intelligence. I hope you were able to get some fresh air during your vacation. Maybe time away is the only cure. We are victims of corpo-government abuse and you cannot be blamed. If these idiots are willing to sell their souls for a buck then when they don't succeed, are sent to the wood shed they deserve it. When you put your hand into the fire -get burned- and then do it again. It just proves they never listened to their mothers. I do not have any sympathy for them.
Thanks for the opportunity.
M from A
aka Captain Nobody
LOL Mike,
I can assue you this piece was done tongue-in-cheek for the Bush Haters and that I have not joined the Kool-aid drinking 30 percenters. I have no sympathy for people who knowingly cause their own situation. (It's not like Tony Snow was drafted after all) I was merely checking to see if I could garner sympathy for a job that can only end one way....getting fired. NO need to become concerned that I have somehow joined the Dark Side. Thanks for your concern and comments though.
Hey H.C.
Whew! I was worried for a minute. Thought we might have to have an intervention.
Thank God you are back and safe (mentally and physically). Speaking of mentally why hasn't Jennifer been in the press for a while-does she take the summers off. I suppose that is a topic for another blogg.
See you soon
Captain Nobody.
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