A LETTER TO GOD

Dear God,

I'm sorry that I'm writing to you instead of praying, it's been so long it no longer felt comfortable. I'm sure you can find this if you want to anyway, you are after all, God. I'm not going to ask for anything or question your existence. I just wanted to explain where I've been.You see, the earliest recollection I have of considering you is when my grandfather died. He was the only person in the world who thought I was special. You took him when I was only 4 years and yet, I still believed you were a good God.

Then you put me in a dysfunctional home and I wondered what I had done wrong. But I still trusted you.

And then you put me into a school where I was the clear minority, and you showed me the cruelty of humans to one another. And I grew angry. I had been good, I had done my best. Why did you seem to hate me so much? And some of my faith in you slipped away.

I hid behind drugs to ease the pain of your abandonment, but you found me anyway, and then you took one of my friends. On that day, I decided I had had enough! What kind of God are you? I thought. One who takes children? Who cripples them? Who would leave them to be abused when he has the power to stop it? Who creates a world of riches for some and starvation for others? One who would stand and watch as the world ripped itself apart in war? If that was the kind of God you were, I reasoned, then I would worship you no more.

And I denounced you. I shook my fist at you and I walked away from you.

And things got better.

I found another person who thought I was special. I married her and still appreciate every day I have with her. I know now; people who honestly think your special are rare. And I enjoy every minute I have, because I know none of us are here to stay. I worked hard to give my kids a good stable home, with loving parents, so they never have to wonder where "home" went. I made friends and learned to perform musically and write. I was surprised to find I had an understanding of being alone, of being a minority and of loss. I had learned empathy for people in a bad place, and to be slow to judge.

Then you gave me Cancer, and I began to consider you again.

What was my purpose? Why was I here? Why had you chosen to take me now, when things were finally looking up?

I spent the next 6 weeks getting radiation treatments, 5 days a week. They schedule everyone for the same time everyday, so soon I got to know some of the other patients. Frankly, I've never known people so alive, so appreciative of every day. I guess when you feel the end's presence, you see the world from a whole new point of view. I began to wondered how it could be that people with less time would be more appreciative of it than people with more time. So I promised myself, if I beat this, I would never forget that feeling of limited time, of moments slipping away.

And when I finally felt the danger had passed, I started noticing things in a different light. The joy of my children's laughter, the beauty of an Autumn morning, The ripples growing on a pond all seemed somehow better than before. I had learned to appreciate my own life and the beauty of all you've created. And I started to consider you more.

So now I stand at a crossroads. Uncertain, and yet more certain. Still confused, but thinking clearer than ever. I guess what I really want to tell you God, is simply this;

I understand now.....and thanks. H.C.