THE REPUBLICAN "LACK OF FAMILY VALUES TOUR"

Hello America! Step right up and see the show! You may remember us from the early '90's when we promoted staying married, the nuclear family, and traditional good 'ol American values. Well, things have changed a little here in the "Big Tent" of the Republican Party and we've changed with them. So come on in, lay down your money and see the new and improved Republican "Lack of Family Values Tour" (Careful there little boy, that's genuine elephant poop you nearly stepped in.)

First up we have Ex-Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich. You may remember Newt from his days of trying to rid the world of public television. Mr. Gingrich is now contemplating a run for the presidency and my guess is using the phrase "Family Values" is not on his agenda. Newt married his childhood sweetheart, (who just so happened to have been his ex-Geometry teacher and seven years his senior) Jackie Battley. Unfortunately for Ms. Battley, Newt worked out his older women fantasy and when she came down with cancer he kicked her to the curb, divorcing her in 1980. She claimed the Grinch, oops, I mean Mr. Gingrich discussed the divorce while she was going through treatment. Nice. According to L.H. Carter his ex-campaign treasurer, Newt told him, "She's not pretty enough to be the wife of the President, and besides, she has cancer." Don't get to close folks, he feeds on the weak.

Next up we have Senator John McCain, you may remember John from his days of helping the Religious Right get their foothold in current politics. Yep, Mr. McCain helped keep regulators off the backs of such fine Americans as Charles Keating so he could set up bogus banks and bonds to fleece thousands of elderly folks out of their life savings. Senator McCain is now making his bid for the Presidency. John married Carol Shepp in 1965 and adopted her two children but apparently didn't take his vows very seriously and divorced her in April of 1980. Soon after that he married his second wife Cindy Hensley, Chairwoman of Anheuser-Busch. Come on fellows, who wouldn't shed a religious vow for free beer for life. Keep moving everyone, and you older people make sure you still have your wallets and purses.

Finally, the star of our show, the Ex-Mayor of New York City, America's Mayor, Mr. 9/11 himself, Rudy Giuliani! Rudy was the star of the aftermath of the attack on The World Trade Center. We all remember him as the stoic hero who was both sensitive and strong when America needed him most. Rudy's trying to parlay his fame right into the Whitehouse and is the Republican front runner for the Presidency. All this and at least three appearances on T.V. in drag. (Believe it or not, that's Rudy's picture at the top of this page.) Maybe Rudy has something he's trying to tell us, that he wants to be our nation's first transvestite President. The Republicans must be soooo proud. Folks this is hard to beat in any show on earth. Rudy's been married 3 times! And cheated on all of them! He first married Regina Peruggi on Oct. 26, 1968, but by the early '80s couldn't keep his hands off young Donna Hanover. Rudy denied that he was involved with her, but started dating her as soon as he was separated from his wife. After the annulment of their marriage by the Catholic Church in 1983, Rudy married the girl he wasn't involved with within 6 months. Two kids later, Donna just wasn't holding Rudy's interest anymore and in 1997, Vanity Fair reported he was having an affair with his communications director Cristyne Lategano. Then in 2000, the New York Daily News broke the story that Rudy was having an Affair with Judith Nathan, a cute young sales manager. Rudy again denied up and down that there was anything going on. This was however, more than Donna could stand, so she filled for separation. Rudy, trying to cope the best he could, moved into an apartment with two gay friends. Donna and Rudy divorced in 2002 and in May of 2003 he again married the women he wasn't involved with. That my friends, is why Rudy is the star or our "Lack of Family Values Tour", let's give him a big hand. Oh, and ladies don't walk to close, he pinches.

Well, that concludes our tour. I hope you all enjoyed yourself, and be sure to stop by our gift shop. We have a fine selection of bobble-head Republican "yes men" and free pictures of all our star's estranged gay relatives. So walk carefully to the exit, tell you friends about our show, and remember our motto; "Do as we say, not as we do." H.C.

PHILOSOPHY, THEOLOGY, RELATIVISM, AND GETTING LAID

It happens once every couple of years. Some bright student comes to me with his or her brain filled to the top with the teachings of his or her Philosophy Professor and I have to deprogram them. Don't get me wrong, I love philosophy. It's just that people tend to confuse it's purpose as I see it. The teachings of Socrates, Hume, Nietzsche, or Kant are great for critical thinking, but I don't think they're great for giving yourself a moral compass that will help you lead a full and satisfying life.

One of the basic philosophies that are taught here at my University is Relativism, which I refer to as Subjective Morality. Relativism is basically the belief that ethical truths and morality are relative to the individual or groups that hold them. Or in simpler terms, what you believe is wrong, may not be what I believe is wrong. While I understand that theory, the problem I have with it is, in one way or another, what you are saying is there really isn't a societal norm. If all morality or ethical truths are rooted in the individual, then why have any morality at all? I'll just reach into my basket and pick out what I think is wrong (most likely the things that other people do that I dislike) and leave my basket full of the things I think are right. (most likely things that I like to do that someone else might think is wrong). Since there is no consensus on what is in each others basket, we'll just fill each of ours with whatever makes us feel good as an individual.

For this to work, you have to empty your brain of any thought that what you do has any effect on anyone else in society. For example; I like spitting, you think it's wrong because it spreads disease and is disgusting to step in. I see no reason to care as spitting is fun and is in my basket of things that are right. Since there is no way you can put things in my basket if I don't want you to (because that is your morality and has nothing to do with me), I'll continue spitting anywhere I see fit. Despite the fact that you believe that our morality should not be relative to each other, you still step in my spit.

Theology (basically religion) is a different animal as it was created as a universal set of morals for a society of people. The idea being, if our shared morality is used to confront a problem, such as spitting, we turn to that morality to judge whether or not I should cease or you should except it. Over time people adjust their Theology to fit their society to create a society that has as little confrontation as possible. The main difference between philosophy and theology is that one (theology) is directed to the betterment of society, whether successful or not. The other is directed to the fulfilment of the individuals life and understanding of it.

Now let me take it a little further, Philosophy is corruptable for the individual if the person arguing against you is better at making their point. The important fact here is; they don't have to be right, just better at arguing. Since your morality is subjective, or debatable, all I have to do is convince you and only you that it doesn't belong there and my morality goes in. This gives considerable power to the more intelligent among us and is the reason it's so favored by academia in my opinion. Think of it this way; I'm a gray-haired, ponytailed, professor of considerable intellect teaching at your local University. I'm no longer attractive in the conventional sense and am not getting laid nearly as much as I was in the "Free Love" days of my prime. Your an impressionable young thing in my class. What do you think I would advocate to get you to sleep with me and then convince myself that it's right, philosophy or theology?

That's the basic problem that I have with the whole idea of replacing strict morals with Subjective Morality. It allows the brightest among us to pray on the most impressionable or not-as-smart. If I'm looking at what's best to protect the most vulnerable (and I do), I have to lean towards religion. Even the dimmest young girl or boy can be given a strict set of morals and the guilt that comes with it and be protected from being corrupted by Subjective Moralists. I know a lot of you think that guilt is a terrible thing, but sometimes it's all that stands between us and doing something we might later regret. I also know that not all people that study philosophy are up to no good, but I've also seen enough bad people use it to know it has it's dark side. The teachings of our great philosophers can open your mind up to new ways of thinking, but in the end the best thing to protect the weakest among us is theology, not Subjective Morality. We should think long and hard about what we're throwing away and who we're throwing under the bus when we take the path of philosophy over theology. H.C.

THE McCAIN FACTOR

He beats or comes close to beating Hillary Clinton in most every poll and he's the only pro-life candidate who stands a chance against her, so it seems obvious the Republicans should be backing him 100%. But John McCain is not seeing the anointment one would expect for someone in his position, and that's got John looking a little less than thrilled about his chances. Especially since lack of support in the Republican Party and the backing of Rudy Giuliana by the Press is pushing his numbers down. In fact, if you've seen Senator McCain on the campaign trail lately, you'd see he looks downright uninspired. Why would the Republican party not back someone who is their best chance to get an anti abortion president? Well, Senator McCain has found himself in the Not-So-Well-Liked branch of the Republican Party and I'm starting to smell the beginnings of a revolt by the man well know for crossing part lines and who fancies himself a bit of a "Maverick".

John S. McCain is, by any man's standard, a tough son-of-a-bitch. Born in Colo Solo, Panama Canal Zone, (that, by a stoke of luck, was owned by the U.S at the time, otherwise he could not be president), McCain was a proverbial fortunate son. His father was a career military man who had reached the rank of Admiral, so in his family's military tradition, John joined the Navy as a Naval Aviator as soon as he got out of school. From there his fortune took a sour turn. During a training exercise, John crashed his plane in Corpus Christi Bay. However, some of his luck still held, and he escaped with no major injuries. Soon after that his luck took another bad turn when he was stationed on the aircraft carrier US Forrestal. A rocket from a F-4 Phantom Jet accidentally launched while on the deck of the carrier and struck McCain's A-4 Skyhawk while he was in it. McCain managed to jump from the jet before his own bombs exploded but wasn't so lucky this time and caught scrapnel in his legs and chest.

Shortly after that, on October 26, 1967 John's A-4 Skyhawk was shot down over Vietnam. McCain broke both his arms and one leg upon ejection and landed in a lake from which he was dragged, beaten and tortured. Now, for those of you who think making someone stand in a corner is torture, let me describe what McCain got next. With both his arms and a leg already broken, he was interrogated with no medical treatment. He was beaten, bayoneted in his left foot, then his groin (OUCH), and then had his shoulder smashed with a rifle butt, and several teeth knocked out, and although I can't prove it, I'll bet he didn't even get a culturally-correct meal or a praying mat.

Even more to his credit, when the North Vietnamese discovered who his dad was, they offered to release him, but McCain refused to leave if the other prisoners in the Hanoi Hilton with him weren't released too.

After being held for 5 1/2 years as a prisoner of war, McCain was finally released to a hero's welcome in 1973. He got to meet President Richard Nixon, and in 1982 was elected to the U.S. House Of Representatives for the state of Arizona. From there he ran and won the seat vacated by Barry Goldwater in the U.S. Senate where he remains today. In 2000, he ran against G.W. for the Republican nomination and lost, mainly due to fears that his stay as a POW had made him unstable. John didn't help himself by showing bursts of rage in the Senate and using the word "Gook" a little too freely.

So why won't the Republicans get behind this true American hero?

They don't think he can win and the right wing of the Republican party thinks he's a little too far left and has crossed the aisle one too many times. You see, McCain had a falling out some time ago with the far right that nearly cost him his career. McCain was one of the "Keating Five" of the S&L Scandal in the late 1980's. In fact, his culling of political favors for Charles Keating, one the great Far-Right villains of my lifetime, is the biggest reason I won't ever support John McCain. Because of Charles Keating and the "Keating Five" thousands of elderly people loss their life savings, and John was a little too deep into it for my liking.

So here's the end result of my political analysis of this whole situation.

I don't think the Republican party will ever get behind John McCain and I think it's going to leave him bitter and resentful. John is now 70 years old and this is his last chance at this. He feels the Far Right killed off his chance last time in favor of G.W. and he's never gotten over the sting he got for dealing with the Religious Right during the S&N Scandal. If John doesn't get the nomination this time, he may do something that will send shivers down the spine of any of my Republican readers..........he may run Independent. That's right, ala Ross Perot, the bitter John McCain may just hand the election over to the Democrats (Hillary Clinton) as a last ditch attempt to get the presidency. Can he win like that? No, not unless Barrack Obama splinters the Democrats and goes Independent too, (which is real unlikely since he's everyone's favorite V.P. pick). But like Ross Perot, that's not really what John McCain wants, in the end, what he wants is revenge, revenge for lack of support, revenge for a campaign turned over to the Father's Son, and revenge for a hero turned into just another political tool. I could be wrong on this, but I'm starting to sense the beginnings of Independent John. H.C.

H.C. DROPS HIS VEIL AT STUDIO 1714!

Most of the time I try not to bore all of you with my personal life, which is basically drinking 3 Molsons and falling asleep, but I thought this was particularly interesting. I just got back from recording several segments of political discussion at "Studio 1714", a Flint-talk radio supported Internet show. I got to sit in the hot seat with John and Steve, who have made quite a name for themselves both on radio and in the Internet world. They've interviewed a whole host of local political figures and local entertainers such as Bryan McCree, a well know comedian.

So how did 'Ol H.C. bag such a coup d'e tat? Simple, I lied and said I had more readers than Maureen Doud, Cal Thomas, and Thomas Freedman put together. Actually, I sent them an E-Mail and after reading some of my rants, they thought I seemed an interesting character.

So I put on my best tie-dyed t-shirt, my Brook Brothers suit and made my way to the studio looking a little like Timothy Leary and Ann Coulter hooked up and had a child 47 years ago. On the way I stopped to pick up some water and breath mints at a local store. I must have been an interesting site as a homeless dude kept looking at me from the corner of his eye and people seemed to want to keep a little distance between us. The Arab-looking gentleman behind the counter treated me like everyone else, my guess is you could come in humping a goat and he wouldn't have noticed.

Once I got to the Studio, nervous and wondering if I had made a mistake, Steve and John set about making me feel right at home. These guys are so easygoing, within minutes you feel like you've known them all your life. We went through a whole slew of possible subject matter and then set about recording. John is the more outgoing of the two although I would say either one of them has their moments of brilliance. I found myself feeling very comfortable in front of the camera, in fact, for a while I forgot all about it. Their camera man blends right in and leaves the show to form itself, I think that's a good part of why it feels so much like just shooting the shit with some of your buddies. The first segment went by so quickly I was stunned that it was over. They then asked if I wanted to do a few more and feeling all politically charged up I couldn't wait to jump back in.

We covered everything from Medicinal Marijuana to Governor Granholm. You can catch it on YouTube at http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=Studio1714 . The most interesting thing about this for me is, I Loved It. I had no idea how I would feel about talking on video (I'm very self conscious about my looks), or on the radio. I'm desperately interested in how all of you felt I did and am looking forward to your comments. Don't cut me no slack, I'm a big boy, I can take it. In the mean time, watch out Bill O'Reilly, watch your back James Carville, I might be thinking your job looks like a lot of fun. H.C.

FRANKENCELLS, THE SCARY WORLD OF BIOETHICS

Jeremy and Jessica Nowelth tried hard to explain to their 16 year old daughter, Lindsey, their reasoning. They only had so much money and her fraternal twin, Linder, had the gene that carried Fragile X Syndrome, the most common cause of mental retardation. The Genetic Specialist assured them that without gene replacement he would have a hard life and would most likely never live on his own. They had no choice. Gene replacement and repair had become such a fast growing part of the birth of children that insurance companies had long ago stopped covering the procedure except for life threatening problems. Jessica had wanted to give Lindsey an improvement over what had become her curse in life, next to no breasts at all. She remembered the torment she had received in Junior High, the jokes about her "Boy Chest". Jeremy's sisters and Mom both had nothing to be thrilled with, so a little adjustment of the DNA sounded like a good investment, but with Linder having a more serious flaw, they did what they had to do. Now the best they could do for her was implants which had taken on the bad moniker of "Second best breasts". Lindsey was inconsolable, how could they have done this to her? In a world of people who had every minor genetic flaw fixed, even the smallest of imperfections meant you were one of "Them". The Troglodytes, the cursed people. The unemployable, the undateable. The people who only sat with each other, only dated one another, and were shunned by the growing lesions of perfect people who suffered no genetic diseases, no genetic imperfections, who were born to lead the perfect life.

Sound far-fetched? I don't think so.

Bio genetics is a fast growing field, and with it comes some real ethical questions. What is an "imperfection"? Should people be allowed to tamper with "God's will"? How far should we take it? What should be covered by insurance? Will people have to have "papers" showing which genetic flaws have been fixed? Do we know what the implications are further down the genetic line? Is it fair for insurance companies to have access to these records? How about businesses when they hire? Should they have access? How will this affect society and morality? Will we create two separate classes of people, those who's genetics have been fixed and those who have not? As we plunge into this unknown world we need to think these things through while we still have the chance.

Here's some interesting food for thought I came across, (those of you with subjective morality just skip this part as you'll see nothing wrong with it anyway.) While thumbing threw some medical literature, I came across an article on G.S.A., Genetic Sexual Attraction. It seems we are, for some unknown reason, genetically attracted to our family. Most likely it's a bonding thing designed to make us care about each other as a family unit, but it also extends to sexual attraction. There is now research that has shown that because of fractured families, siblings, and even parents, are finding themselves sexually attracted to other immediate family members, especially if they were separated from them for long periods , particularly during growing up. This doesn't seem to be as much of a problem amongst family members who grew up with each other for also an unknown reason. Most likely because you have too much knowledge about each other or because societal norms have taught you to suppress those feelings. Incest is generally looked down upon by most every civilized nation and a good part of the reason, besides religion, is because of genetic problems. People of similar genetics can have a host of genetic problems when they have children together. Now, if we can cure those genetic problems is there still a reason to outlaw incest among consenting adults? Isn't it wrong to sleep with your younger sister because she's inclined to look up to you? Or your daughter? Or your son? Even if your both adults? With this hurdle out of the way, subjective moralists are certain to argue no.

How about the gene for aging? Science is making strides towards discovering our genetic clock. If assumptions are correct, we could feasibly shut it off thereby greatly increasing our lifespans. (With my luck I'll already be in my 80's when it's available). Will we make decisions on who should get it based on age? What would be the point of extending some one's life after 70 years old? We already have a problem with Baby-Boomers reaching old age at the same time and the financial burdens it will create for the next generation. Will we limit it and tell the people who need it most (Most likely me) tough chit?

I'm fortunate enough to have a good friend who is a Genetic Scientist. He told me that the possibilities in genetic engineering are endless but so are the problems. When I proposed my concern about creating two separate classes of people, he seemed to think we wouldn't do it as it would shrink the gene pool to a dangerous level. But I don't share his faith in humanity to do the right thing vs. what's best for themselves in the short run. We already see people taking dangerous drugs and having expensive and dangerous surgeries to make themselves more attractive, or to fight off the ravages of old age. In a world of breast implants on kids as young as 12 years old, am I supposed to believe people won't take whatever advantage they can get to have a better life? Have we as a race ever shown much concern for the future? Am I supposed to believe that if people are given the chance to make their kids taller, smarter, stronger, or better looking they won't do it because of some problem 10 generations away? These are issues we will have to face in the all-too-near future, and just like the present issue of embryonic stem cell research, it will be sure to be politicized. To steal a line from Jeff Goldbloom in Jurassic Park, are we so concerned with whether or not we can do something, that we forget to ask ourselves if we should? H.C.

IS THIS THE WORST GOVERNOR IN THE U.S.?

I used to call her Hurricane Jennifer, because the only states that were doing worse than mine were Mississippi and Louisiana after they were destroyed by Hurricanes Rita and Katrina. It doesn't make sense anymore because both Mississippi and Louisiana are now doing better than Michigan, even while still in ruins. She came into office as our first female Governor in 2002, amongst much fanfare, and even won handily in the 2006 elections. Why would I call Jennifer Granholm the worst Governor in the U.S. you ask? Let me call out the facts.

When Gov. Granholm came into office in January of 2003, Michigan was already in transformation as were all of the "Rust Belt" states, so called because of their reliance on manufacturing. The Rust Belt states include Indiana, Ohio, Michigan, Wisconsin, New York, Pennsylvania and West Virginia. Every since I was a young student in High school (mid '70s) the manufacturing in Michigan has been declining. In fact, I remember having a Economics teacher in Jr. High who was already saying that the shop jobs in the U.S. were on their way out. Unemployment in all these states were above the national average as a result. The Rust Belt States in general were seeing hard times and good leadership was desperately needed to keep them afloat. Jennifer Granholm came in promising to be that leader for Michigan. In her own words she promised us, "In five years you'll be blown away". Well, after four, I'm blown away all right, every single Rust Belt state has done better over those four years and has an unemployment rate lower than ours.

For the purpose of refuting any claim that Michigan is suffering a unique situation, let's do a comparison to the state that is closest to Michigan both in reliance on manufacturing and in total workforce, Ohio. Michigan has a total workforce of 5.1 million, Ohio has a total workforce of 5.9 million. (All of these stats are from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics) Michigan has a manufacturing workforce of 637.5 thousand and Ohio has a manufacturing workforce of 797.2 thousand, so Ohio actually is even more reliant on manufacturing than Michigan. Just one of several lies Granholm tells. Ohio has another thing working against it, it has Bob Taft for a Governor, who was voted the worst Governor in the U.S. by SurveyUS. Yet, during the period from when Granholm took office in January of 2003 to December of 2006 when Taft left office, he managed to lower his unemployment from 5.9 to 5.6 while creating over 10,000 net jobs. How did Gov. Granholm do during that same period? She managed to raise our unemployment rate from 6.5 to 7.2 losing over 39,000 jobs net. All this while the U.S. unemployment rate fell from 5.8 to 4.5 for the same period. Taft did the worst of all the other Rust Belt states, but still did better than Granholm.

Another point Granholm supporters try to make in her defense is that John Engler (R) left her with 1.6 billion dollars in debt. While this is true for the most part, nearly every Governor does that when the governorship changes party. John Engler himself was left with a 1.5 billion dollar debt by James Blanchard (D) who was the Governor before him. For this reason, I generally give Governors a 1 year pass on fixing the budget, which John Engler did. For Granholm to try to still blame Engler 4 years later is utterly ridiculous. In fact, Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney (R-Mass) was stuck with a 3 billion dollar debt and still balanced his budget all 4 years.

Granholm is still doing a good job of protecting our schools you say? Not according to a recent study of top Universities by Michigan Auditor General Thomas McTavish published by The Detroit News on March 1, 2007. Michigan tuition is up 37% in the four years of the Granholm administration and is now the nation's fifth most costly. The Granholm administration has cut Michigan Universities funding by $250 million since she came into office. In fact, with inflation factored in, Universities in Michigan have gone from having the state pick up 45.3% of their operating costs 5 years ago to only 34% last year. All of this has lead to Michigan Universities leading the nation with a average tuition hike of $740 in 2005-2006. Not exactly higher education friendly if you ask me and completely contrary to what she has claimed for the past 4 years. For a point of reference Engler increased funding for Universities 50% during his 12 years.

What is the end result of higher tuition and less job opportunity on our future, the young people of Michigan? They are leaving. According to this survey 46% of people under 35 are seriously considering leaving Michigan. Frankly, as much as I love this state, I don't blame them. There is nothing that I can tell them to give them any hope that things will turn around. With her failing philosophy of raising taxes and fees to turn the state around, I'm getting closer to leaving every day, and so is most everyone that I can think of. I can no longer take the burdens Governor Granholm sees fit to heap on my family. She has shifted my property taxes to six months earlier forcing me to put off purchases and vacations. She has raised fees for licenses which cost my daughters, who are both single mothers, money they don't have. She's forced Universities to raise tuition which is causing all my kids more debt they wonder if they can ever repay. She has raised property taxes for this year 3.7% even as my property values fell by 8%. And now she wants to raise my hunting licenses, sales taxes, and taxes even on my only refuge from her, my beer. All of this despite the fact that her General Fund Revenues are up 3.4%. The truth is, she wants to spend $900 million more than she has. Is it any wonder people are leaving?

And the people aren't the only ones leaving. Since her re-election, companies are running for the door. Pfizer Co. out of Ann Arbor has announced it's closing it's shop costing the Ann Arbor area 6,000 jobs, could this have anything to do with the recent decision by the Democrats to reverse tort reform on drug companies? Ford and Chrysler have both recently announced further job reductions in Michigan through buyouts. Most of the people I've talked to who are taking them say they will use the money to leave this state. And then the most recent demonstration of her lack of political skills, Toyota announces it's building it's $1.3 billion manufacturing plant in Mississippi, the only state doing worse than us on employment, or at least they used to be.

Putting all this together, it's hard to believe we're still standing at all, thank God the nation isn't in a recession right now or we all would be doing far worse. Jennifer Granholm seems to me to be a nice person with her heart in the right place but her head in the wrong one. She honestly doesn't seem to understand the politics of drawing jobs to a state that has to compete for them. If it were up to me, I would standardize tort law, environmental law, and labor law at the Federal level. But this is not the reality we are living. We must work harder to draw jobs to Michigan while making the tough choices necessary to keep people from leaving, instead of taxing them out the door. In the mean time, I have a new nickname for Governor Granholm, Buffy the Job Killer. The Worst Governor in the United States. H.C.

TO TEACH IS TO TOUCH A MIND

It must have been about 1976. I was in a class on global politics with my favorite teacher, Mr. Veinheist. Mr Veinheist had a knack for teaching, I clearly remember the very first day in his class. He pulled out an article on Angola, an African country we, the U.S., were getting involved with. He then went into a tirade about how we didn't belong in that country, how we had a lot of nerve thinking we could fix other countries problems and who were we to push our morality on them when we had our own past to answer to. He then finished up by asking for a show of hands as to who all agreed with him. Every hand went up. He then started admonishing us for our opinion, saying how we had an obligation to use our power and wealth to help the oppressed in dictatorships, how allowing genocide to go unanswered was the the most sinful of all policies. He then asked for another show of hands of who agreed. Again every hand went up. Strolling back and forth in front of the blackboard, he again admonished us for not knowing our own opinions, for bending to the whims of the teacher, and told us to pick up one of the stacks of newspapers in front of him, read them and then write down our opinion on Angola. I looked around the room at the stunned faces of the normal suck-ups who now didn't know what the hell to think. I knew right away, I was going to like this guy.

I got along both great and badly with Mr. Veinheist. He would pull me aside after class to praise my opinions. He encouraged me to reach beyond the low expectations that everyone else had for me. He told me I was squandering my intellect, that I could be anything I wanted to be, and it was a crime to allow myself to end up working in the shops, or at the bowling alley, or some mail room. He looked beyond my tattered blue jeans and long hair and stoned friends, and he ripped into me for reeking of weed or coming to his class high on acid, or downers, or whatever else was going around. I hated the way he would glare at me as I walked down the hall after skipping his class or the way he would never let me just slide when I was caught fighting, or kicked out for partying in the parking lot. I hated the way he would keep an eye on me everywhere, all the time, how he always somehow knew when some other teacher had a problem with me. I hated it because I knew he was right and I cared what he thought.

Mr Veinhiest had a little game he liked to play with his classes. He would combine two of them for a semester and then he would break you down into groups of different sizes and assign you names of make-believe countries. Each countries would have different resources, military might, and strategic placing on the map. Two of them had nuclear weapons. You would then elect a leader and guide your country through alliances and crisis and be graded on your participation. He took great glee at watching how the students would run campaigns to be elected leader, and form alliances. I loved the game. I was lucky enough (or maybe chosen) to be in one of the two countries that had nuclear weapons. I fought hard to be elected leader and when elected moved quickly to form alliances with the other leaders. I then ran and was elected the leader of our alliance. I used everything at my disposal, in the class and out. I was determined to create a one world government, a socialist Utopia.

But I had a Nemesis, Paul.

Paul was a friend of mine, and like a lot of southpaws was sometimes called by the nickname Lefty, or sometimes Pauliegirl, which is another story all together. Anyway, Paul was a brilliant young man and an excellent politician and found himself leading the other nuclear armed country, and soon after that the alliance directly opposite of me. His form of government had a lot of the same traits as mine. Ones that you would expect to find in a country formed by students; Pot legal and clothes optional. Drinking age debatable. Unfortunately, Mr. Veinheist had no intention of letting our little Utopia exist without the normal trappings of global politics. So every Monday we were given made up situations to iron out diplomatically, each one getting more and more serious. As it got closer to the end of the semester the tension between me and Paulie was reaching a peak. He had assassinated my Secretary of State and in retaliation I had invaded one of his smaller countries. The war of words had reached a point where we were both starting to take it personal. We even had to be separated from fighting at a party (which I was glad, it turned out Paul had a helluva right hook). On the last Monday of the last week of the game we were given our situation; Paul had sent a nuclear submarine to my coast as a threat against further invasions and it had "accidentally" sunk one of two of my aircraft carriers. My troops had now captured the submarine and were holding it and the crew in Lew of a full apology and compensation.

The whole next week was full of debates and threats. My countries leaders were behind me 100% as were his. Each solution bartered by the other leaders was rejected one by one by the full alliance. We were both determined to win out in the negotiations. As the week closed, me and Paul had even gotten to the point where we were grilling our mutual friends as to each other's thinking. On the table was one ominous solution, First Nuclear Strike. Our Final paper had to be handed in on Friday and I had become obsessed with the notion that Paul was willing to go balls out to win. I was convinced that he had decided and convinced the others in his alliance that a nuclear strike was the only option that would leave his country standing. After an hour long debate, I convinced my alliance that we had no choice. We turned in our paper, it would be a First Strike.

On the following Monday, everyone waited for Mr. Veinheist to give us his assessment of our solution. Had we called it correctly? Did we do the only thing that could be done? Did I make a horrible mistake, convincing my classmates to kill a whole country of people who wanted only to find a peaceful solution? When the door opened after the bell, I barely recognized the man who had filled our lives with such passion, who had umpired our weeks of debate. He looked like a man who had to tell a third grade class that the pet hamster had died. He stood solemn behind his podium, and looked up at us, tears visibly welling up in his eyes, yet an anger filling his face. He spoke these words which I still here ringing in my ears today, "Last Friday, this class did what no other class has done in 10 years. The leaders of both alliances, with the backing of every one of the leaders of every country, decided to kill the entire planet rather than except anything less than winning. For the first time I am scared to leave this world to the next generation. I can't tell you how disappointed I am in all of you."

And then he left.

For the remaining 45 minutes we talked about what had happened. Paul and I congratulated each other on correctly guessing each other. For two people raised in the north end of Flint it was the only accepted solution; death with honor over losing. Mr Veinheist never came back that day and the next day was a half day that didn't include his class so I never saw him again.

This is usually the part of the story where I tell you all what I learned from that experience. But to tell you the truth, I've been struggling with it my whole life. One obvious lesson you could get from this is never give Ol' H.C. or Paul The Bomb. I can tell you that I owe my fascination with global politics to Mr. Veinheist, after his class I was hopelessly hooked. I never got over the feeling that our world could be destroyed by two egos, unwilling to be the one to concede. I also owe my ability to step outside the normal thinking to him, based on that one, mind-blowing first day. I've always wished that he would have elaborated more on why it was wrong for me to guess right and why he gave me a "C" for it. (Paul would never tell me what he got, his one win.) I can tell you one thing though, of all the teachers that I ever had Mr. Veinheist stands out as my favorite. I'll bet most teachers go through their entire careers never knowing how much they touched their students. Shortly after his class, I quit taking drugs for good and he was a big part of the reason why. I tried to model my parenting after him, hoping that if my kids respected me as much as I respected him, then my looks of disapproval would make them think the way his made me think. I'm convinced that without him in my life, I might not even be here now. Thinking my own opinions, hopefully uninfluenced by outside pressures, thanks to the only real teacher I ever had. H.C.