Hello America! Step right up and see the show! You may remember us from the early '90's when we promoted staying married, the nuclear family, and traditional good 'ol American values. Well, things have changed a little here in the "Big Tent" of the Republican Party and we've changed with them. So come on in, lay down your money and see the new and improved Republican "Lack of Family Values Tour" (Careful there little boy, that's genuine elephant poop you nearly stepped in.)
First up we have Ex-Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich. You may remember Newt from his days of trying to rid the world of public television. Mr. Gingrich is now contemplating a run for the presidency and my guess is using the phrase "Family Values" is not on his agenda. Newt married his childhood sweetheart, (who just so happened to have been his ex-Geometry teacher and seven years his senior) Jackie Battley. Unfortunately for Ms. Battley, Newt worked out his older women fantasy and when she came down with cancer he kicked her to the curb, divorcing her in 1980. She claimed the Grinch, oops, I mean Mr. Gingrich discussed the divorce while she was going through treatment. Nice. According to L.H. Carter his ex-campaign treasurer, Newt told him, "She's not pretty enough to be the wife of the President, and besides, she has cancer." Don't get to close folks, he feeds on the weak.
Next up we have Senator John McCain, you may remember John from his days of helping the Religious Right get their foothold in current politics. Yep, Mr. McCain helped keep regulators off the backs of such fine Americans as Charles Keating so he could set up bogus banks and bonds to fleece thousands of elderly folks out of their life savings. Senator McCain is now making his bid for the Presidency. John married Carol Shepp in 1965 and adopted her two children but apparently didn't take his vows very seriously and divorced her in April of 1980. Soon after that he married his second wife Cindy Hensley, Chairwoman of Anheuser-Busch. Come on fellows, who wouldn't shed a religious vow for free beer for life. Keep moving everyone, and you older people make sure you still have your wallets and purses.
Finally, the star of our show, the Ex-Mayor of New York City, America's Mayor, Mr. 9/11 himself, Rudy Giuliani! Rudy was the star of the aftermath of the attack on The World Trade Center. We all remember him as the stoic hero who was both sensitive and strong when America needed him most. Rudy's trying to parlay his fame right into the Whitehouse and is the Republican front runner for the Presidency. All this and at least three appearances on T.V. in drag. (Believe it or not, that's Rudy's picture at the top of this page.) Maybe Rudy has something he's trying to tell us, that he wants to be our nation's first transvestite President. The Republicans must be soooo proud. Folks this is hard to beat in any show on earth. Rudy's been married 3 times! And cheated on all of them! He first married Regina Peruggi on Oct. 26, 1968, but by the early '80s couldn't keep his hands off young Donna Hanover. Rudy denied that he was involved with her, but started dating her as soon as he was separated from his wife. After the annulment of their marriage by the Catholic Church in 1983, Rudy married the girl he wasn't involved with within 6 months. Two kids later, Donna just wasn't holding Rudy's interest anymore and in 1997, Vanity Fair reported he was having an affair with his communications director Cristyne Lategano. Then in 2000, the New York Daily News broke the story that Rudy was having an Affair with Judith Nathan, a cute young sales manager. Rudy again denied up and down that there was anything going on. This was however, more than Donna could stand, so she filled for separation. Rudy, trying to cope the best he could, moved into an apartment with two gay friends. Donna and Rudy divorced in 2002 and in May of 2003 he again married the women he wasn't involved with. That my friends, is why Rudy is the star or our "Lack of Family Values Tour", let's give him a big hand. Oh, and ladies don't walk to close, he pinches.
Well, that concludes our tour. I hope you all enjoyed yourself, and be sure to stop by our gift shop. We have a fine selection of bobble-head Republican "yes men" and free pictures of all our star's estranged gay relatives. So walk carefully to the exit, tell you friends about our show, and remember our motto; "Do as we say, not as we do." H.C.
First up we have Ex-Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich. You may remember Newt from his days of trying to rid the world of public television. Mr. Gingrich is now contemplating a run for the presidency and my guess is using the phrase "Family Values" is not on his agenda. Newt married his childhood sweetheart, (who just so happened to have been his ex-Geometry teacher and seven years his senior) Jackie Battley. Unfortunately for Ms. Battley, Newt worked out his older women fantasy and when she came down with cancer he kicked her to the curb, divorcing her in 1980. She claimed the Grinch, oops, I mean Mr. Gingrich discussed the divorce while she was going through treatment. Nice. According to L.H. Carter his ex-campaign treasurer, Newt told him, "She's not pretty enough to be the wife of the President, and besides, she has cancer." Don't get to close folks, he feeds on the weak.
Next up we have Senator John McCain, you may remember John from his days of helping the Religious Right get their foothold in current politics. Yep, Mr. McCain helped keep regulators off the backs of such fine Americans as Charles Keating so he could set up bogus banks and bonds to fleece thousands of elderly folks out of their life savings. Senator McCain is now making his bid for the Presidency. John married Carol Shepp in 1965 and adopted her two children but apparently didn't take his vows very seriously and divorced her in April of 1980. Soon after that he married his second wife Cindy Hensley, Chairwoman of Anheuser-Busch. Come on fellows, who wouldn't shed a religious vow for free beer for life. Keep moving everyone, and you older people make sure you still have your wallets and purses.
Finally, the star of our show, the Ex-Mayor of New York City, America's Mayor, Mr. 9/11 himself, Rudy Giuliani! Rudy was the star of the aftermath of the attack on The World Trade Center. We all remember him as the stoic hero who was both sensitive and strong when America needed him most. Rudy's trying to parlay his fame right into the Whitehouse and is the Republican front runner for the Presidency. All this and at least three appearances on T.V. in drag. (Believe it or not, that's Rudy's picture at the top of this page.) Maybe Rudy has something he's trying to tell us, that he wants to be our nation's first transvestite President. The Republicans must be soooo proud. Folks this is hard to beat in any show on earth. Rudy's been married 3 times! And cheated on all of them! He first married Regina Peruggi on Oct. 26, 1968, but by the early '80s couldn't keep his hands off young Donna Hanover. Rudy denied that he was involved with her, but started dating her as soon as he was separated from his wife. After the annulment of their marriage by the Catholic Church in 1983, Rudy married the girl he wasn't involved with within 6 months. Two kids later, Donna just wasn't holding Rudy's interest anymore and in 1997, Vanity Fair reported he was having an affair with his communications director Cristyne Lategano. Then in 2000, the New York Daily News broke the story that Rudy was having an Affair with Judith Nathan, a cute young sales manager. Rudy again denied up and down that there was anything going on. This was however, more than Donna could stand, so she filled for separation. Rudy, trying to cope the best he could, moved into an apartment with two gay friends. Donna and Rudy divorced in 2002 and in May of 2003 he again married the women he wasn't involved with. That my friends, is why Rudy is the star or our "Lack of Family Values Tour", let's give him a big hand. Oh, and ladies don't walk to close, he pinches.
Well, that concludes our tour. I hope you all enjoyed yourself, and be sure to stop by our gift shop. We have a fine selection of bobble-head Republican "yes men" and free pictures of all our star's estranged gay relatives. So walk carefully to the exit, tell you friends about our show, and remember our motto; "Do as we say, not as we do." H.C.
4 comments:
And don't forget the bonus sideshow: Rudy's third, Judith Nathan, recently revealed that Rudy is HER third...she had till then neglected to mention that she was married for 4 years before she married Mr. Nathan.
Thanks for the additional info Anonymous,
If Rudy gets the nod from the RNC, we have truly stepped into some weird alternate universe. The really strange thing is; all the top Dems are married to their one and only. Maybe they'll start their own "Family Values" campaign. Irony.......you have to love God's sense of it. Thanks for commenting.
Even though I don't give a shit about a politicians home life, I do think it's funny that the GOP's moral superiority is crumbling. What's next? PETA being in favor of fur coats!! For years they've held up the Clinton/Lewinsky "Blowjob-Gate" as the worst thing a president can do. Now the majority of the GOP candidates are guilty of much worse on a personal level. I liked Bill Clinton as a president and maybe if we need stuff to get accomplished we need someone that only cares about America, and doesn't give a shit about their wife. It's looking like Mit Romney could have a pretty easy stride to the GOP presidential slot. Good post, I love the irony in this piece.
Thanks Tabor,
I couldn't resist taking a shot at the RNC on this one. What a pack of hypocrites. I think Romney may have a shot at the nod even though he has changed his position on abortion and gay marriage since he ran for Gov. I wonder how much his being a Morman will play into all this. The running joke on Mitt is he believes marriage is only for a man and a woman...and another woman......and another woman.
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